Good News: We Don't Need the Muscles like Tyson

As I write this blog I do not consider myself an expert in any way, actually far from it. Day by day I realize how much more we are yet to learn about marriage! So Hun and I have decided to seek a ‘short-cut’ of sorts. We have decided to ride on the shoulders of giants. It is true that every marriage is unique so there is no one-size-fits all template. However when you get to sit down with others, you realize there are some almost predictable stages marriages go through and with those comes similar challenges/ victories. So we have decided to learn from our mentor couples. We are lucky that within 6 months into marriage we have several mentor couples. These are all people whose marriages we greatly admire and the couples have taken up walking with us and praying for our marriage.

I really look upto my parents. They have been together for 43 years, wedded for 36 of those. 5 children, 5 grandchildren and some wrinkles later, they are still together. They have been through all the usual drama. I could tell by the occasional silent treatment. However, never have I ever seen my dad lay a hand on mum (only severally on my then naughty brothers) and neither did I ever hear them exchange words in our midst. I always wondered when and where they let the other know what one was ‘really thinking’ considering we lived in a relatively humble neighborhood where homes had thin walls, well figuratively, and yet I still never heard them. I really wonder.

I could go on and on about various people who we look up to because of how they carry about their own marriages. However, for the purpose of this blog I’ll only pick one such mentor couple, our Pastor and his wife, the Kigwis….. who have enlightened us on one of the greatest lesson.  They introduced us to the concept of being intentional in marriage.

Before I wedded, I heard a lot of how marriage is very hard-work  I don’t know about you but the term hard-work makes me think of manual labor! Sounded to me like I needed to build some muscles. Well, of course in marriage there is a bit of that too since (sigh!), the rate at which I have to cook and clean can never compare to the once in a blue-moon back in the day. Oh, plus I know once the 5 (ha!) little ones start trooping in…. for sure there’ll be manual labour.

However I’d like to think that about keeping the marriage fulfilling and not gradually growing apart, it is more about purposing to do stuff. Things do not always ‘just fall in place’ nor ‘work themselves out’ like it mostly happens when dating. Leaving things to spontaneity might land your relationship in trouble. We have learned that you have to purpose to be in accountability & enrichment groups, go on family holidays, to go on regular - say weekly - dates, to be home early to spend time with the family, to train the children to go to bed early etc.  Our Pastors’ 2 toddlers are in bed by 6.30pm and sleep throughout the night, and they have assured us it is not genetic! It did not come easy but is is doable. An older couple once told us that later in marriage, it is advisable to put even ‘the intimacies’ on a program, otherwise before you know it you are surprised that it has been weeks or months since you know what. And no this is not for the boring couples or couples without chemistry or any of that, it is just life happening…. READ: children, career, mortgage, bills, education advancement etc.

Laying the plan for the activities above is the easy bit, following through is another issue altogether. So even for this seems we also need to….. well…. PURPOSE!

The Spare Room

Growing up in a family of 5 children and almost always having relatives over, we never had the luxury of having a spare room. We eventually grew up, and my sister and I decided we were ready to leave the nest and we therefore moved in together in a relatively tiny house to try out what independence felt like. Mummy and Daddy though were not so sure that we were ready, especially since neither of us liked cooking so the condition was to get a house near theirs, I guess malnutrition was not an option. After proving ourselves, a year later, I went solo and this time away from where my parents lived. Now at 25 years old, with a basic earning and zeal to further my education, my living conditions deteriorated. I recall the first tiny servants' quarter or 'SQ' as commonly referred to in Kenya, I ever lived in was at Nairobi West. My gate was right in the middle of a maize and sugar cane plantation.  Well, I did not know that initially and I feel I sort of got tricked. You see when I moved in the maize had been harvested so the field was clear. Furthermore, it was January usually a warm season and therefore the earth was all dry, even crusty. A few weeks later though, the rains came and the maize grew and so did my problems.

Having evening classes meant that I always got home late and had to grapple with the darkness within the maize plantation plus having to wade through the mud. But that was not even my worst nightmare. One morning as I wore my heels, I realized the left shoe was not fitting well. I snuggled my toes in some more, harder and harder. Then I thought I felt some wetness on my toes and so I decided to check what it was. To my horror, it was a big juicy SLUG that I had smashed with my toes!! I screamed my little heart out and would not wear closed shoes for weeks after that. During the rainy season slugs were everywhere. Another time as I got home in the evening tired as usual, I only realized too late that there was one cleaving on the padlock and that was after I had given it a handshake.

A few months later I moved houses and since then I have lived in decent and fairly comfortable houses save for the elusive ‘spare room’. Fast forward to ‘beyond I do’ and now we have a spare room, well, at least before the brood grows. I have come to love the idea and wondered where the ‘spare room’ has been all my life! That is the only place in the house that I allow myself and Hun to mess up, and even my ‘choleric/ melancholic’ self is not (so) bothered about it. What a joy to have that place that I can ‘post-pone’ stuff to and deal with them ‘later’ either since I do not have time currently or because I really can’t figure out what to do with it. The room still holds some of the stuff I moved with from Nairobi that am still not sure what to do with. Sometimes it is laden with Hun’s IT stock en route to or from the office! I especially love dumping clean laundry there before I sort it out or before ironing. Laundry that is left lying around, whether clean or dirty is a pet peeve to me. Previously I used to put away my laundry on the same day it was washed, even if I got home at midnight. I was completely unable to even leave it lying in the bedroom, as long as I was going to sleep there. I just cannot fall asleep knowing there is a stack of clothes in the room.

This got me thinking the other day of how I handle issues. I was one person who can pout from the moment I have been ‘wronged’ until when I feel that the issue has been addressed. Sometimes that can take days. As advised by a group of girlfriends, that is never any way to handle marriage. Recently I have learnt to utilize the concept of the ‘spare room’. I nowadays make a conscious effort to put off conflicts when discussions get too heated between Hun and I, or we do not seem to see eye to eye on an issue. After a few hours or days, usually the issue will come up again and this time Hun might see things my way and other times I would be the one who has changed perspective. Sometimes we realize it was non-issue in the first place. Other times yet, we have had to take it back to the ‘spare room’ and try the process all over again. While the issue is in the ‘spare room’ I try to go on with life as usual. This has made it easier to deal with issues. Of course I must also add that the benefit of putting matters in the spare room temporarily is that you also get to pray about it.

Bliss or Blisters? (Repost from 13 March 2013)

So its been four and a half weeks since tying the knot and two weeks since I relocated to the land of Museveni and I can confidently say that all factors considered, I am adjusting pretty well. I am finding Ugandans generally friendly and even though half the time I do not understand a thing they are saying to me, I do feel the love..... so I simply smile and nod and swiftly move along to discourage any more exchanges. 

So far I have settled on local brands of milk, bread and sugar (things I used to take for granted)... I did my first 'taxi' ride (that is a matatu) and alone for that matter, oh and they have no route numbers! The taxis or cabs as we know them, are referred to as special hire... or just special!

I am happy to have found me this lady who is awesome at braiding hair though at the down town (really down town). I've also learnt abit of the lingo, albeit the hard way, like when you are asked if you want a ''puff'' at the salon, they DO NOT mean a cigarette they simply mean ponytail and a hairband is therefore called a ''puff holder'' ......... while at it, may I also point out that dhania is called OATMEAL and arrow roots or 'nduma' are known as yams (sigh!)

In the past 2 weeks I have prepared more meals than I did in the last 1 year as a single (kumbe nawesmek). I am YET TO make my maiden matoke meal, hop onto one of these crazy boda bodas..... find a good brand of rice..... oh and am yet to complete unpacking 

Learning to un-schedule

It is a beautiful day in Kampala....  only a few months here and the land of Museveni and all the wonderful people here are really growing on me. Though, certainly not the pot-holes, but that is a story for another day. 

Marriage might have brought me here, but it is the warm people and a 'taste' of the different culture that make me want to stay, in addition of course to being with Hun. I find Ugandans generally very friendly. They embrace community which seems to have rubbed off on all the many ‘Ugandanized expatriates' I have met too. People actually know their neighbours. Any flimsy reason is good enough for a get-together over bbq or 'muchomo' as locally known. Most fascinating to me are children's birthdays, baptisms, etc. The difference here is that these children's parties usually have a more adults to children ratio... and I mean like 5:1 or so. Sometimes there is even no reason at all for the link-ups.... perhaps just catching up or like for one I attended over the weekend, a pool party organized by our marriage enrichment group, to get to know each other’s families/ children. Well, at least this time the ratio was nearly 1:1, the operative word being 'nearly' since as usual the adults out-numbered the little people.

Back home in Kenya get-togethers just don't happen, they have to be planned months or at least weeks in advance, at least among my various circles of friends…. and I was okay with that. I actually preferred staying indoors unless it was ABSOLUTELY necessary: work, school, church, going to look for food. After all, I kept in touch: I face booked – liked  and commented on posts & pictures, posted on timelines and inboxed - I phoned, I texted, I whatsapp’d and I even emailed.

Yet, I have been blessed with the most amazing group of friends and family, who, by the way I love hanging out with a lot. Most of them, pure nut cases and spending any amount of time with them guarantees that by the end of it, I'll be in stitches. Now, considering that am that person who enjoys good humor with long, loud belly laughs - still rolling on the floor long after everyone else got over the joke - I look back and wonder why I felt I needed to 'schedule' spending time with these wonderful people.

Now am away, at least for a while. Even though I plan to make regular trips back home, my now ‘long-distance’ relationships will never be the same. For one, am having to learn how to live further than a -30-minutes’-drive away from my BFF of 26 years. She was one of the few un-scheduled people in my life, of course mostly because she had a copy of my house keys and she did let herself in anyway whether or not on schedule.

Letter to Lauren

Gone Too Soon

I hope there is Facebook in heaven and somehow, Saint Peter will get to read this to you since you are too young to have your own account.

Lauren darling, our tears won’t stop flowing as we try to come to terms with the fact that, just like that, you are no longer with us. I was at your house today and there was definitely something missing – you full of life and asking all sorts of questions… you were one fun and intelligent guy who always wanted to learn something new.

Your mummy and daddy are inconsolable, they loved you very very much and even though your baby sister Karen is too young to comprehend what is going on she surely senses something is amiss. Your cousin Byron is heartbroken that he never got to take you out for swimming as you guys had agreed, but guess what, we’d scheduled it for this coming Sunday. We were to take you to a kids’ pool party. You’d have had fun as you always did whenever you hang out with him.

We look at the pictures we took at our home in April and think, if only we’d known that was the last time we’d see you, we’d have hugged you more tightly, for longer and we’d have spoiled you thoroughly!

Even though it is a very difficult time, we thank God for blessing humanity with your sweet self, albeit for a short time. Only He knows why He had to take you away a few days to your 5th birthday. Oh how I wish in his reply, St. Peter would snitch to us.

PS: I forgive you for laughing so hard at the thought of me enrolling in your school since in your words, I was ‘too big’….. you should know I now go for jogging.

Dirt Unleashed

Several months back before our big day I had a conversation with two already married female cousins and they mentioned how sometimes marriage brings out an ugly side of yourself that you did not even know about.

As I entered this institution, I thought my biggest character flaw was the fact that I despised housework - cooking being on top of the list. I remember even telling my hubby-to-be then that he'd need to be patient with me on that one as I worked on it. Four months down the line and boy oh boy, I have come to meet another side of me that isn't too pretty. Forget the housework and cooking, which I now do with a smile while whistling a tune!

This one has got to do with the condition of the heart and being totally unfair to my husband. Even the fact that am a regular church goer - even volunteer, I pray and read the Bible often... I have found that am not exempt from such human weaknesses and so I need to be teachable, that I do not know it all. Am lucky I have a very patient and prayerful husband who keeps reminding me that we are work in progress.

I thought I needed to share this story, it might resonate with someone out there.... I am grateful to have a good support system: An awesome husband, our NDOA group - Mavuno K'la, family and sister-friends! 

Having previously posted this in another forum, the feedback from those who have been in marriage longer was that in marriage you are Work-in-Progress till, as you vowed, death do you part!