5 WAYS TO ACHIEVE INTIMACY IN YOUR MARRIAGE

A text chat between mother and son:

Mom: Your great aunty just passed away, LOL.

Son: Mom, why is that funny?

Mom: It is not funny David! What do you mean?

Son: LOL means laughing out loud!

Mom: Oh my goodness!! I sent it out to everyone, I thought it meant lots of love. I have to call everyone back!

That, ladies and gentlemen, is probably a very good reason why parents should keep off text messaging. But then again it helps illustrate how often times, what we say, what we mean, and what the other person understands can be three totally different ideas. Good communication is the link to real intimacy. In order for us to achieve the deep level of intimacy we desire as couples, we need to continuously work on how we communicate with each other. If only we could learn “....to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger” (James 1:19). Below are some 5 pointers that are working wonders for our marriage in the journey towards better communication and consequently, intimacy:

1. REALLY listen and pay attention to what your spouse is saying
Hun and I have both been guilty of not doing this, though, one of us guiltier than the other…. Hun, I will not name names. Earlier on in our marriage and only until recently, this used to frustrate me to no end. During disagreements, when it was my turn to speak, Hun would be ‘assembling his line of defense’ in his mind and would barely hear a thing I said.

Well, the truth is even when paying full attention, conversations often get misinterpreted. And the disagreement evolves from the original issue to what was said or how wrong the other person understood it. Recently, we learnt an important tool that is really helping us with this; we call it ‘I heard you say’, where the recipient repeats what s/he heard the spouse say, and the initiator either agrees or corrects it if not accurate. We actually think this tool is powerful enough to bring about World Peace.

2. Keep communicating no matter the season your marriage is at
Never give the devil a chance to whisper lies to you putting walls between you, through silent treatment. Hun and I have really tried to make this a culture and as a result we have benefited from it much. We usually never stop talking through things, no matter how difficult the issue is. At worst we can go for a day with yes/ no type of conversation. Sometimes we usually begin talking about an issue and the conversation goes south so quickly our heads are left spinning so we abandon it. When this happens, we take some minutes/ hours breather and continue with our normal routine and cordial conversations. HOWEVER, we usually still take the matter up again, say the next day and usually find this time it can take a record 2.5 minutes before heading south once again. And a week or sometimes longer can go on like that until we find by the end of it, we actually tackle the conversation to the end. Depending on how aggrieved we feel about the situation, sometimes we call in Refs, and we are blessed to have special couple friends in our lives who we can be free with, whom we share common values and we know would remain objective. Every married couple needs such.

3. Be truly vulnerable with each other, naked and unashamed
Until you can learn to be completely open and honest with your spouse, only then can you attain real intimacy. Does your spouse know your fears, your vulnerabilities, your not-so-rosy past? The Society we are living in has erroneously focused so much on sex as the yardstick of intimacy, and this could never be farther from the truth. Fulfilling sex between a married couple is a byproduct of spiritual and emotional intimacy, otherwise no matter how good the sex is, it leaves one feeling empty. Learning all the sexual gymnastics in the world while failing to work on the spiritual and emotional intimacy is putting the cart before the horse. That is why, in my opinion, inspite all the ‘great’ sex advice brides-to-be are given during bridal showers, marriages continue to ail… because sex alone does not constitute a relationship.

4. Commit to use positive and respectful language that does not belittle your spouse even during disagreement; to learn to attack the issue and not the person
In his book, Sacred Marriage, Gary Thomas gives a very interesting perspective on the purpose of marriage. That what if marriage was a refining tool, for God to teach us to love like Christ. That if we are unable to love our spouses, whom most often we have chosen for ourselves, how can we possibly love a dirty homeless stranger? Indeed marriage does test our ability to love beyond the warm fuzzy butterfly feeling. When love graduates from a feeling to a daily renewal of commitment. You commit to always view your spouse as an intimate friend and as such to respect them no matter how angry they have made us. To not be verbally or physically abusive or put each other down.

5. Purpose to continuously affirm and appreciate one another

Affirming and appreciating your spouse fan the delightful sparks in marriage. It makes us feel good about ourselves and leads to open sharing with our significant other knowing that they ‘got you’. This draws us into each other’s world and helps us see their outlook of life. Ladies our (very macho) men require affirmation. Always appeal to the king in him. Cheer him on, while on the mountain top and when he is down in the valley below. May we not wound the soldier in them with criticism and harsh words. Our words go a long way in establishing how open our husbands are with us, and subsequently emotionally intimate.

Affirmation and appreciation also usually act as an investment that sometimes carry you through the rough patches in your relationship. I have an interesting body that oscillates between 58Kgs and 74Kgs with reckless abandon. One day am petite and a few weeks later I can compete in Sumo wrestling. Through it all, Hun always makes me feel like the hottest creature on this planet. And not just in words, it is the way he looks at me. This and the many other ways that he affirms and appreciates my role in his life, helps me put things into perspective during those rough days. In a way it has created a sense of confidence and security in that no matter how terrible things seem, my best friend would never walk out on ‘us’.

DEAR ROBIN, WHILE YOU WERE AWAY….

Robin with his heartbeat Nikki

Hey Kiddo,

The other day a friend of mine mentioned her daughter’s pixie ears and I just started laughing. We all know who the King of pixies was! I remembered the way you were a butt of many a jokes some of which you came up with yourself. The specific ones that made me laugh this time were how it turns out, you had the ability to effortlessly light a ‘jiko’ by only moving your head side to side a few times. No wonder you were this nice guy that everybody loved (I’ll get to that later) but could it be it was because you were afraid of the windstorm effect if you dared shook your head to say no…. hmmm! The other personal favorite of mine was how apparently, you had it easy in your career of choice. Flying. One of your friends even considered it safest to fly with you because in the unfortunate event that the engines failed, First Officer Robin would simply ‘flap and flap’ the aircraft to safety – disaster averted! The other day, I spent a day with your girls and thank God the little one -- mini you, pixie ears and all -- is too young otherwise she could have pointed out how auntie F. is too coo-coos for her liking! The entire day I alternated between staring at her innocent sassy young self and giving her suffocating hugs, seeing that she is just an extension of you. We really thank God for them.

I thought I should update you on what has been going on while you were away. Oh and before I do that, I see you carried with you your sense of humor. How do I send you a lovely heartfelt message on your 28^th birthday telling you how you are destined for great things ahead, such that even the world will not be ready for you…. and what did you do? Took it literally and exactly a month later you checked out. I can almost see you laughing and teasing me how the joke is all on me. Unlucky for you I have a lifetime to come up with an awesome come back, lucky for you it won’t be any time soon…. I pray. Still, some day we shall settle that score.

But seriously while you were away, you taught many of us that you do not have to be a public figure, or hold certain positions in the society, or be of a certain age or have so much wealth to leave behind a great legacy. More than ever before, we now understand that charity does indeed begin at home…. the area of influence around you that God has given you. This is especially very comforting to any grieving family. Kiddo, to say we were overwhelmed by the love and support from friends and family during that dark period of our lives is an understatement. In only three, 2-hours ad hoc burial planning meetings YOU were able to raise funds that many, well in advance planned for, fundraisers only aspire of. You must have been a true friend because your friends, gave, gave and then gave some more… even when we announced that we had raised enough to cover the budget, they still gave. Even after the burial, they still continued giving! And it wasn’t only financially, their time too. They have walked with us every step of the journey, others even taking time to visit and condole with mum and dad, even thought they had never met them before. They say it is the least they can do. People speak of how kind and generous you always were. Many say of how you had helped them get to where they were. That you were a role model, and even though you fell short sometimes and made your mistakes, you were great person. It is very humbling. And speaking of friends, two of them gave very memorable tributes at the burial. The first one was purely comical even though I doubt the speaker deliberately meant it that way. Not even the saddest soul around could hold back laughter -- too bad most of us couldn't understand the much coded language, but still the delivery was priceless. Since the tribute was given by a fellow pilot friend who was in uniform, am not sure I can ever again take any man in that uniform seriously….. kind of the way I never used to take you very seriously :) Then your former roommate, gave a speech too. He was like our final script of you, he spoke your heart, said things only someone who was close to you and had spent enough time with you would know about our family. It was bitter sweet, and got most people wet-eyed. Both speeches reflected your life, being deep when it called for it, otherwise making everyone laugh. We loved both speeches much!!

In other news, while you were away…. nothing changed politically. Wait, no that is not quite right. Things changed, but in the same old ways. JS aka Baba Deno is back in the public scenes…. ha ha ha no silly, it is not about siring more children in hotel rooms. All those older peeps that were in the former, former government who we all thought were blissfully enjoying retirement, having a great time with grand kids and all, have been called back to serve in some very lucrative positions in our public offices. The powers that be probably felt that we the youth are not quite ready for such positions. After all the youth are the leaders of tomorrow. We needed some well marinated chaps. But actually, come to think of it not aaaaaall of them are old, there is a young local musician who rumor has it that his sudden massive wealth was neither from an inheritance nor a get-rich-quick multi-level marketing biz nor from his copyrights, stage appearances, endorsements etc. Just a rumor. This young man has been mandated to watch that people, especially the youth –- leaders of tomorrow -- do not abuse drugs. Some people say that there is a lot of irony in that appointment, I am not sure why and cannot help but wonder if it has something to do with the rumor. Maybe.

While you were away guess what…. our wonderful team, Chelsea, won the Barclays Premier League well before end of season. I have not stopped doing my jig since then. Well, but as you know there are haters out there, they are always there waiting to rain on your parade. So now some ‘other teams’ are circulating a chart showing that in the history of the teams that have won most English League Titles, we rank 7th with only 5 titles compared to the top team that has won 20. They even dare add that if we work harder we might even catch up with Sunderland, yes Sunderland, at numero 6 with 6 titles. Oh and by other teams, I know you know who are these fans I am talking about. That is right….. that has not changed either, they are still noisemakers. Wounded noisemakers. This was sadly not a great season for them, at all.

There you go, I thought I jot you some updates seeing that you were among the top fans of this blog.... nothing to do with marriage, but a special tribute to a kid bro we will never stop loving and missing! The heart ache has been excruciating, and am speaking as a seasoned 'heart-breakee' seeing that I have been down that road several times because of relationships gone sour, before the heavens had mercy and sent me my wonderful Hun. All in all God, the balm of Gilead, has been very good to us, through it all. His grace has been sufficient. Tears are slowly fading. We are beginning to notice the sunshine once more, we are smiling and laughing more even. We are taking one day at a time. 

To all those who have walked and continue to walk with us, thank you! God bless you and may He remember every kind word, thought, prayer, act, coin and repay you 10 fold.

Stars don’t struggle to shine, you are a star Robin -- may you shine forever.

WHEN THINGS GET TOO HOT IN THE BEDROOM

Seriously, everyone in my life who ever got married before I did….. I have serious beef. Along the way I keep discovering stuff --the hard way -- that no one ever mentioned that I will go through once I get into marital bliss; the blisters along the journey of marriage. Ok maybe that is not entirely true, maybe some of them did say something but my starry-eyedness had no room for ‘negativity’ at the time. I was about to marry this awesome guy (still is by the way) and ours was going to be the very first ever ‘and they lived --literally-- HAPPILY ever after’.

But no, it is still their fault. They should have slapped me with some reality check out of my so-very-in-love stupor. Would it have been so out-there for one of them to pull me on the side one day from that all so important job of deciding whether the guests at the wedding would prefer to have pineapples or water melons after lunch…. and just tell me ‘Hey, look here. Please choose wisely, for the choice you are about to make will forever change everything in your life. Forever. The day those wonderful guests will get to enjoy the melon or the pineapple, please know that all your sleeping preferences would henceforth always be up for discussion and compromise.’ I mean everyone close to me would have known that would have been a wake up call, the relationship between me and MY bed was deep. They all knew how I would often, gladly, allow a lot of ‘life’ to pass me by just for that extra wink of zzzzzzzzzz. My sister never understood how anyone would prefer to sleep instead of being out there socializing. But for me, my dear sweet slumber was worth giving up all of those. But now, since the day the bananas were eaten, it has all changed. Now I have even no bed to call MY OWN as we are now in a tri-lationship and when you add God who also came on board the same day of the fruit eating…. well,  you get the drift! The gospel song ‘my life is not my own’ never gets any more real.

Then also I need to sleep ‘smart’. My previous relationship with MY bed had no demands. It was ‘come as you are’ faded, one-side-sloping-tees, too-tired-to-get-out-of-jeans, THE TABOO PAIR OF OLD STOCKINGS HEAD WRAP ….. But not anymore, the pesky fruits changed everything, now I am required to groom for bed. That as I figure out what to wear for the day, I also pick out what I intend to sleep in at night. Thank God at least I do not have to plan for foot wear….. though however, I still have to plan for ‘headwear’ and my good old faithful pair of tad torn stockings is not an option!

Well, so it has been 2 years of pre-bed grooming, I have kind of got the rhythm sort of, though I usually-- once in a while-- regress during those nights that Hun has travelled. However, there is one thing that is still a major pet peeve. This time of the year, in this part of the world, it is extremely HOT. Then now the houses in our hood, and the bedrooms in particular seem hotter than other homes we have visited. As if to mock my limits, I recently underwent a procedure and was given a follow up prescription drug whose side effects include…. wait for it… hot flushes, yes similar to those of women in menopause, as the doctor confirmed! So come evenings, I am usually one pre-bed-groomed HOT mess…. pun intended. But then, we have this cooling fan, currently my most favorite gadget around the house after the freezer. However, my darling Hun cannot sleep with a fan on. My dear friends waiting to be married, the day you walk down that aisle please be very aware that you are, at the same time, walking away from the power to autonomously decide whether to cool yourself or not on a hot night. Ironically, the sound of the fan which I find so soothing is annoying noise that keeps him awake but in addition to that he tends to wake up the next day with some form of congestion. And it matters not, whether it’s the AC or a fan. His body just has issues with cooling systems…. that some of us require desperately. 

While of course this is not a good enough reason to decamp to celibacy for life, it is just good to know in advance so that you are not shocked if (read: when) it ever comes up. Remember to keep this in mind as you choose the fruits for the wedding banquet.