WHAT SHE DOESN’T KNOW WON’T HURT HER

You have got to admit it, travelling is exciting! The adrenalin rush, new people, different culture, the uncertainty, the anxiety, the feeling of ‘no one knows me around here’……. The list is endless. My 1^st visit to Kampala, was probably the most random thing I ever did….. but now I know it was truly by God’s design. It was in August 2010, a childhood pal and I had planned to travel to Dar-es - Salaam only for our plans to backfire 3 days prior to the date of travel and oh boy was I crushed seeing that I had already packed my bag! We just had to get Plan B since we were already on a traveling high. My pal had some longtime friends who’d been asking to host her and so she took up their offer, and being Ugandans, for them 3 days was enough notice to prepare to receive and host us. Now, I naturally love taking photos, but while away from home…. I usually go to great extents to capture them memorable moments. Anywho, we had an awesome time with our tourist packed schedule….. and so ofcourse through the entire experience I clicked and posed, clicked and posed. At some point one of our hosts - my new found friends - actually nick named me the ‘photowey’ one, I just wouldn’t let anything pass by the lense! So the day before we headed back to Nairobi I decided to have one last memorable photo moment, so upon a dare by my crazy friends, I… a grown woman…. climbed on top of the elephant sculpture at Nakumatt Oasis Mall and took a picture there!! Now, for the sake of those not so familiar with Kampala, Oasis Mall is one of the most popular malls, you know that place where you are likely to meet anyone and everyone at any time? Right!! Now I look back and wonder what I was thinking…… Lucky for me I had not met Hun yet, however as fate would have it, exactly 2 ½ years from the time I took the picture, I got married and moved to Kampala. So now I live here and Oasis Mall is where the church we attend is located, so I am reminded of my ‘indiscretion’ quite often.

So that is my streak of craziness when am out of town. Now, we all have that one thing that is a must do when away from home. Some of us are foodies – love sampling foreign/new cuisines, for others is learning the history of the place, others yet it is making friends and the list goes on. AND THEN we all know there are those who have to absolutely knock boots with a stranger (or otherwise) for their away-from-home experience to be fulfilled. What makes it very sad is that a good number of these people are married. I keep hearing of these horror stories from time to time. I have heard of people who go for those cheap thrills yet they would ‘die’ if their spouses found out and left them. Like seriously? Why would you hurt someone you care about? I know, I know….. they say what she doesn’t know won’t her.  But then when - not if - the truth comes out, we grovel, promise the sun and the moon just to show how sorry we are. And add…. ‘I never meant to hurt you’. You might as well be saying that you actually were expecting a bouquet of flowers from her congratulating you for the conquests. Am often baffled by this argument, does it mean….. it only becomes wrong when she finds out? Are we normally sorry because we were indiscrete or are we sorry that our spouse found out? The truth is you hurt them the minute you exchanged bodily fluids with another woman, not the minute she finds out.

Now before am virtually mob-justiced by men reading this article, and to be fair, unless these guys are not straight, they are often ‘getting lost in the moment’ with women so that makes us enablers and the Bible has no kind words for such, referring to these women by such names as adulterers/ immoral etc. I once overheard a lady say that she once traveled for a conference and ended up ‘in bed’ with a Japanese guy who they could not even communicate verbally due to language barrier! That statement is so wrong on so many levels I will not even get into that. So I write, well knowing that it is a two way street.

Unfortunately, these things do come out eventually. Sooner or later, dead or alive someone will suffer the consequences. The book of Proverbs Chapter 7 is very candid about adultery and especially being lured by the ‘immoral woman’. It says following her to her bed is like following a path to death. There is death – of trust, relationship, physical death etc. Oh and woe unto you if you have one of them prayerful spouses – I advise you to zip it in and take to piggy back rides on sculptured animals in embarrassing places when abroad, waaaaaay less heart ache for everyone and way easier to explain yourself – I think ;-)

IF TOMORROW NEVER COMES.....

Yesterday I was reminded of just how mortal we are. I attended a funeral service for a gentleman that I never got an opportunity to meet. However, it got me so emotional and I wept. I wept for a friend, who in her words, "feared never hearing the voice of her dad ever again". I wept for a wife who will never get the leadership of her husband after being together over 3 decades. I wept when I realized the deceased was only as young as my parents. My heart broke and my eyes became wet when one by one the family gave their tributes….. This man was obviously loved very much by his family and the void that he has left was evident. They said we sing the hymn ‘It is well’ as the family lay wreaths and I just couldn’t get myself to say those words. At that point in time, it was certainly NOT WELL with my soul.

One man stood to speak. He put things into perspective. He said that the only thing that we should worry about is our relationship with Christ in this land of the dying. Yes, we are in the land of the dying…. Those who die while in Christ are the ones in the land of the living, for they will never die! As for us who are still here, he ‘predicted’ that the probability of us dying in future is 100%. He made us consider what most of us would rather not when he said that who knows, probably he would not even make it home in the evening for he could even trip as he is leaving the pulpit and well…. pass on. It was a sobering reality for me. This reminded me of my most favorite bible verse: Psalm 90:12 – Teach us to number our days aright so that we may gain a heart of wisdom. A verse that daily reminds me what really matters in this life. Well, the man told us to be at peace, my friend’s dad was indeed in a better place, since he had a relationship with Christ. Then they said we sing ‘It is well’ again, and this time I managed to sing. My heart felt lighter. At this point, I even managed a private joke moment. You see, I caught myself applauding alongside everyone else when one Dr. Kizza Besigye was laying a wreath, and the thing is I do not think any of us could really explain why the applause…. maybe because he fights for ‘our’ rights? He also mourns his loved ones? First time to see him in person? I still do not know why I clapped all so enthusiastically. Perhaps it was because he represented the face of resilience and hopefulness. I suppose.

Anyway – moving along swiftly. In weddings, ’till death do us part’ is a vow we always think about when we are talking about remaining married for the long haul. However, the other meaning of this is that, there is a 100% chance that we will some day ‘fly away’….. the only twist is, you never know when.  This makes me think back to one of the best days of our marriage. Just two days ago, during our morning devotion, Hun re-dedicated his life to Christ. Oh what a joyous day it was, in our house and in Heaven... as the good book says. There is a certain peace that comes with knowing that the people you love will have a mansion next to yours in the pearly estate.

The other thing that we are totally grateful to God for is allowing our lives to be such that we are able to spend insane amount of time with each other. I have heard in other circles, it being called ‘suffocation’, yet for us we seem to enjoy every moment of it. Initially, Hun used to say it was because I was new in Uganda; didn’t know my way around and did not have friends…. I wonder what his ‘excuse’ is now that I can move about by myself and have made a ton of friends. Anyway the point is, when (not if) one day the vow - till death - becomes reality, our hearts will be comforted knowing we got to spend every possible moment with each other.

Life is just but a vapour….. make every moment count!

Dad Vs. Dad

Interesting read by Kariba, www.kariba.co.ke, a new daddy! A word for all the new dads or aspiring dads and the women in their lives.

Hun and I also taking notes for when that time comes.

Posted on March 10, 2014 by Kariba Moko

Its 3 am on a chilly Nairobi night. I’ve been up the last 45 minutes trying to get my daughter to sleep. Earlier in the day she got her first immunisation jabs and she’s been a bit cranky. Looking back, it’s been a blissful 6 weeks and our little bundle of joy has been a welcome addition. She is a 3 year answered prayer having hit an ectopic bump earlier in our marriage.
Being dad is an exciting feeling but it’s continuously becoming a learning lesson as I contrast the reality versus the expectations of being a dad. Here are my top novice learning lessons

1. Talk
The first week after the surgery was the hardest. Everyone recites the for better or for worse vows, no one tells you your first attempt at being parents would be the first hurdle ending up in a surgical ward.
My first reaction was anger; I immediately changed gynaecologists, talked to my insurer about bad doctors on their panel. Complained! Complained! Complained! Sadly I am a man and we try to fix things not feel.
Talking with other older couples and realising just how many of them had also gone through unsuccessful pregnancies not only helped me come to terms with our loss but also be a partner not a fixer to my wife.

2. Go for experience
If you followed my tweets a while back, I came up to the conclusion that male gynaecologists are generally better than their female counterparts.
My rationale: since the female anatomy is foreign to man. He tends to be curious. We went through 2 lady gynaecologists and a couple of scans only for the last guy to quickly spot the ectopic pregnancy from the symptoms presented. Feminists, before you lynch me. I would still visit a female gyne with my wife but they would have to be ultra-experienced and not only with certificates on their walls. Degrees I feel can be bought.

3. Drop the macho, Get He-Motions
Pregnancy is a dictatorship, and she is dick. Your role in the process doesn’t end at the billion man race ending with a fusion.
With hormones all over the place, prepare for the worst but hope for the best. I’ve listened to a few of my friends’ stories to know I got off easy with ice cream cravings at 10pm once or twice.
Recently, The Hug became a trending topic when the president hugged his wife after the inaugural first lady marathon. Listening in on Maina Kageni’s breakfast show it was sad to realise we actually have folks out there who use traditions and myopic thinking to deny themselves of intimacy/vulnerability.
The 9 months taught me to be there the biggest hurdle being going with her to the delivery room, an experience I found wasn’t half as bad as I imagined. You can be sure that bought me a Gazillion points which I shall bank in the future when I find myself in trouble with the Mrs.

4. Get some S
Babies KILL anything that starts with the letter S…Sex, Sleep, Sanity, Savings, Salary and they do this with their secret weapon Screams! Since you are never sure what each scream means you’ll probably do a few doctor visits and diaper changes before you realise which scream means what. So before your life becomes a living nightmare for about a month…Get all the S you can. The former being most preferred.

5. Plan ahead
Babies don’t come cheap. I remember having a chat with one of my friends after his baby came through and he was thanking me for advising him to raise his pregnancy cover. He had planned for a normal delivery but the baby had other ideas and he ended up paying for a Caesarean Section.
One of the most frustrating lines I have ever seen is the checkout at a maternity ward. Here new fathers are grabbed by the balls as they discover baby delivery costs they didn’t expect. I am quickly discovering what my role in life…to constantly ask “how much is that?” I learnt this when planning for our wedding. The lessons apply to everything after that.

6. Celebrate quietly
Babies are popstars! They attract groupies. From day one, new uncles, aunties, grandparents and friends will stroll in unannounced to give their regards.
Sadly, the first few weeks are hardest for the mother as she’s trying to understand the baby and still keep her sanity while recovering. In as much as family support is needed I have found myself constantly asking for alone time just so that mother and baby can get their quiet time. Of course as time goes by this all changes and the more company around you the better.

7. Mute the world, Trust your instincts.
Everyone cares for your new-born and sadly it doesn’t end at the gifts. Every visit comes with a bunch of recommendations depending on what the little one is up to.
I’ve come to the simple conclusion; despite the well-intended advice sometimes going with your gut is the best policy. In the baby’s world only mummy and daddy exist.