Back in the day when I was in high school, typical of teenagers,
we thrived in challenging authority. We didn't like prefects much. They seemed
to be the party poopers who were supposed to have been on the students’ side but were instead 'goody-too-shoes'. Even
your closest buddy, roommate etc. seemed to take the job a bit too seriously once
elected as prefect! Then one Friday morning all the students are sitting in the
assembly hall and the list of new prefects is called out, lo and behold your
name is among them. Well, you are happy to be recognized for your leadership
qualities and be placed in that position but those nice thoughts are
interrupted by some sadness because deep down you realize it is not going to be
easy with your peers. So how do you enforce rules that you yourself have been previously
culpable of breaking? The first school trimester
would be dreadful but somehow eventually, water finds it's balance. Most friends would come around but then for few, the relationship
would never be the same. So as a prefect you had the option of turning a blind
eye to the ‘vices’ of your friends, or stand firm and explain to them that you could
no longer be part of such due to your new responsibilities
and the fact that the senior/ outgoing prefects would be watching us the junior
prefects like hawks. Many times I wished my friends
would understand the fact that, am really also trying to understand the new
role, manage expectations and still maintain the friendship with them. I wished
they wouldn't undermine my authority to see 'what she can do' by out rightly breaking rules in my presence. It often
felt like they wanted me to prove my friendship while they, not so much holding
their end of the bargain, else they'd not put me in that position. But then, that
was also me before I made prefect.
And such is life, in high school it is being named prefect,
at work it is getting a promotion and in life it is getting a baby, getting
married etc. Life's circumstances change. Recently I watched an episode of the
TV Series, Trophy Wife which is about a happy go lucky girl who gets married to
a 2 times divorcee who lives with his three children from the previous marriages.
The girl went from having her greatest concerns being which club to hit next,
to teenage tantrums not to add organizing a home of 5. In this particular episode
they had a fall out with her best friend who couldn't understand why her friend
was all of a sudden not as much fun anymore since she got married. The best friend initially refused to acknowledge her friend's
changed priorities. Well eventually they make up and there is a happy ending.
Unfortunately it is not always the case in real life. I've heard
of friendships that permanently got severed after one person got married. A good
marriage counselor will warn you about it during the pre-marital counselling.
They will tell you that you are about to embark on a journey that not all your friends
will go with you. For sure it is one of the most difficult thing you might ever
have to do -- letting friends go. But you know what, do not feel guilty about it
and even most important, don't hold it against them. By all means this doesn't mean
one goes dismissing all their old friends. Old is gold and this seems
especially true when it comes to friendships. I believe even the person whose circumstances
change has an obligation to maintain some level of communication and create
time whenever possible - you know, try maintaining a healthy balance. In case
of marriage however, whenever there is conflict between the 2 worlds, your priority
should always be your spouse, no matter how unreasonable you may feel he or she
is being.
I love the words of TD Jakes regarding this issue. Here is some
tough advice to anyone who ever lost a friend or is struggling with a
relationship because their circumstances changed and inadvertently, so did your
priorities.
Let Them Go by T.D.
Jakes
There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me
when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you, let them walk. I don’t
want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you,
calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. When
people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to
anybody that left. The Bible said that, “They came out from us that it might be
made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they
would have continued with us.” [1 John 2:19] People leave you because they are
not joined to you. And, if they are not joined to you, you can’t make them
stay. Let them go. And it doesn’t mean that they are a bad person, it just
means that their part in the story is over. And you’ve got to know when people’s part in your story is over,
so that you don’t keep trying to raise the dead. You’ve got to know when it is
dead. You’ve got to know when it is over. Let me tell you something. I’ve got
the gift of goodbye. It is the tenth spiritual gift. I believe in “goodbye”. It
is not that I’m insensitive or uncaring, it is that I trust. I know whatever
and whomever God means for me to have and be a part of my life He will give.
And, if a relationship takes too much sweat I don’t need it. Stop begging
people to stay. Let them go!!
