5 WAYS TO ACHIEVE INTIMACY IN YOUR MARRIAGE

A text chat between mother and son:

Mom: Your great aunty just passed away, LOL.

Son: Mom, why is that funny?

Mom: It is not funny David! What do you mean?

Son: LOL means laughing out loud!

Mom: Oh my goodness!! I sent it out to everyone, I thought it meant lots of love. I have to call everyone back!

That, ladies and gentlemen, is probably a very good reason why parents should keep off text messaging. But then again it helps illustrate how often times, what we say, what we mean, and what the other person understands can be three totally different ideas. Good communication is the link to real intimacy. In order for us to achieve the deep level of intimacy we desire as couples, we need to continuously work on how we communicate with each other. If only we could learn “....to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger” (James 1:19). Below are some 5 pointers that are working wonders for our marriage in the journey towards better communication and consequently, intimacy:

1. REALLY listen and pay attention to what your spouse is saying
Hun and I have both been guilty of not doing this, though, one of us guiltier than the other…. Hun, I will not name names. Earlier on in our marriage and only until recently, this used to frustrate me to no end. During disagreements, when it was my turn to speak, Hun would be ‘assembling his line of defense’ in his mind and would barely hear a thing I said.

Well, the truth is even when paying full attention, conversations often get misinterpreted. And the disagreement evolves from the original issue to what was said or how wrong the other person understood it. Recently, we learnt an important tool that is really helping us with this; we call it ‘I heard you say’, where the recipient repeats what s/he heard the spouse say, and the initiator either agrees or corrects it if not accurate. We actually think this tool is powerful enough to bring about World Peace.

2. Keep communicating no matter the season your marriage is at
Never give the devil a chance to whisper lies to you putting walls between you, through silent treatment. Hun and I have really tried to make this a culture and as a result we have benefited from it much. We usually never stop talking through things, no matter how difficult the issue is. At worst we can go for a day with yes/ no type of conversation. Sometimes we usually begin talking about an issue and the conversation goes south so quickly our heads are left spinning so we abandon it. When this happens, we take some minutes/ hours breather and continue with our normal routine and cordial conversations. HOWEVER, we usually still take the matter up again, say the next day and usually find this time it can take a record 2.5 minutes before heading south once again. And a week or sometimes longer can go on like that until we find by the end of it, we actually tackle the conversation to the end. Depending on how aggrieved we feel about the situation, sometimes we call in Refs, and we are blessed to have special couple friends in our lives who we can be free with, whom we share common values and we know would remain objective. Every married couple needs such.

3. Be truly vulnerable with each other, naked and unashamed
Until you can learn to be completely open and honest with your spouse, only then can you attain real intimacy. Does your spouse know your fears, your vulnerabilities, your not-so-rosy past? The Society we are living in has erroneously focused so much on sex as the yardstick of intimacy, and this could never be farther from the truth. Fulfilling sex between a married couple is a byproduct of spiritual and emotional intimacy, otherwise no matter how good the sex is, it leaves one feeling empty. Learning all the sexual gymnastics in the world while failing to work on the spiritual and emotional intimacy is putting the cart before the horse. That is why, in my opinion, inspite all the ‘great’ sex advice brides-to-be are given during bridal showers, marriages continue to ail… because sex alone does not constitute a relationship.

4. Commit to use positive and respectful language that does not belittle your spouse even during disagreement; to learn to attack the issue and not the person
In his book, Sacred Marriage, Gary Thomas gives a very interesting perspective on the purpose of marriage. That what if marriage was a refining tool, for God to teach us to love like Christ. That if we are unable to love our spouses, whom most often we have chosen for ourselves, how can we possibly love a dirty homeless stranger? Indeed marriage does test our ability to love beyond the warm fuzzy butterfly feeling. When love graduates from a feeling to a daily renewal of commitment. You commit to always view your spouse as an intimate friend and as such to respect them no matter how angry they have made us. To not be verbally or physically abusive or put each other down.

5. Purpose to continuously affirm and appreciate one another

Affirming and appreciating your spouse fan the delightful sparks in marriage. It makes us feel good about ourselves and leads to open sharing with our significant other knowing that they ‘got you’. This draws us into each other’s world and helps us see their outlook of life. Ladies our (very macho) men require affirmation. Always appeal to the king in him. Cheer him on, while on the mountain top and when he is down in the valley below. May we not wound the soldier in them with criticism and harsh words. Our words go a long way in establishing how open our husbands are with us, and subsequently emotionally intimate.

Affirmation and appreciation also usually act as an investment that sometimes carry you through the rough patches in your relationship. I have an interesting body that oscillates between 58Kgs and 74Kgs with reckless abandon. One day am petite and a few weeks later I can compete in Sumo wrestling. Through it all, Hun always makes me feel like the hottest creature on this planet. And not just in words, it is the way he looks at me. This and the many other ways that he affirms and appreciates my role in his life, helps me put things into perspective during those rough days. In a way it has created a sense of confidence and security in that no matter how terrible things seem, my best friend would never walk out on ‘us’.

DEAR ROBIN, WHILE YOU WERE AWAY….

Robin with his heartbeat Nikki

Hey Kiddo,

The other day a friend of mine mentioned her daughter’s pixie ears and I just started laughing. We all know who the King of pixies was! I remembered the way you were a butt of many a jokes some of which you came up with yourself. The specific ones that made me laugh this time were how it turns out, you had the ability to effortlessly light a ‘jiko’ by only moving your head side to side a few times. No wonder you were this nice guy that everybody loved (I’ll get to that later) but could it be it was because you were afraid of the windstorm effect if you dared shook your head to say no…. hmmm! The other personal favorite of mine was how apparently, you had it easy in your career of choice. Flying. One of your friends even considered it safest to fly with you because in the unfortunate event that the engines failed, First Officer Robin would simply ‘flap and flap’ the aircraft to safety – disaster averted! The other day, I spent a day with your girls and thank God the little one -- mini you, pixie ears and all -- is too young otherwise she could have pointed out how auntie F. is too coo-coos for her liking! The entire day I alternated between staring at her innocent sassy young self and giving her suffocating hugs, seeing that she is just an extension of you. We really thank God for them.

I thought I should update you on what has been going on while you were away. Oh and before I do that, I see you carried with you your sense of humor. How do I send you a lovely heartfelt message on your 28^th birthday telling you how you are destined for great things ahead, such that even the world will not be ready for you…. and what did you do? Took it literally and exactly a month later you checked out. I can almost see you laughing and teasing me how the joke is all on me. Unlucky for you I have a lifetime to come up with an awesome come back, lucky for you it won’t be any time soon…. I pray. Still, some day we shall settle that score.

But seriously while you were away, you taught many of us that you do not have to be a public figure, or hold certain positions in the society, or be of a certain age or have so much wealth to leave behind a great legacy. More than ever before, we now understand that charity does indeed begin at home…. the area of influence around you that God has given you. This is especially very comforting to any grieving family. Kiddo, to say we were overwhelmed by the love and support from friends and family during that dark period of our lives is an understatement. In only three, 2-hours ad hoc burial planning meetings YOU were able to raise funds that many, well in advance planned for, fundraisers only aspire of. You must have been a true friend because your friends, gave, gave and then gave some more… even when we announced that we had raised enough to cover the budget, they still gave. Even after the burial, they still continued giving! And it wasn’t only financially, their time too. They have walked with us every step of the journey, others even taking time to visit and condole with mum and dad, even thought they had never met them before. They say it is the least they can do. People speak of how kind and generous you always were. Many say of how you had helped them get to where they were. That you were a role model, and even though you fell short sometimes and made your mistakes, you were great person. It is very humbling. And speaking of friends, two of them gave very memorable tributes at the burial. The first one was purely comical even though I doubt the speaker deliberately meant it that way. Not even the saddest soul around could hold back laughter -- too bad most of us couldn't understand the much coded language, but still the delivery was priceless. Since the tribute was given by a fellow pilot friend who was in uniform, am not sure I can ever again take any man in that uniform seriously….. kind of the way I never used to take you very seriously :) Then your former roommate, gave a speech too. He was like our final script of you, he spoke your heart, said things only someone who was close to you and had spent enough time with you would know about our family. It was bitter sweet, and got most people wet-eyed. Both speeches reflected your life, being deep when it called for it, otherwise making everyone laugh. We loved both speeches much!!

In other news, while you were away…. nothing changed politically. Wait, no that is not quite right. Things changed, but in the same old ways. JS aka Baba Deno is back in the public scenes…. ha ha ha no silly, it is not about siring more children in hotel rooms. All those older peeps that were in the former, former government who we all thought were blissfully enjoying retirement, having a great time with grand kids and all, have been called back to serve in some very lucrative positions in our public offices. The powers that be probably felt that we the youth are not quite ready for such positions. After all the youth are the leaders of tomorrow. We needed some well marinated chaps. But actually, come to think of it not aaaaaall of them are old, there is a young local musician who rumor has it that his sudden massive wealth was neither from an inheritance nor a get-rich-quick multi-level marketing biz nor from his copyrights, stage appearances, endorsements etc. Just a rumor. This young man has been mandated to watch that people, especially the youth –- leaders of tomorrow -- do not abuse drugs. Some people say that there is a lot of irony in that appointment, I am not sure why and cannot help but wonder if it has something to do with the rumor. Maybe.

While you were away guess what…. our wonderful team, Chelsea, won the Barclays Premier League well before end of season. I have not stopped doing my jig since then. Well, but as you know there are haters out there, they are always there waiting to rain on your parade. So now some ‘other teams’ are circulating a chart showing that in the history of the teams that have won most English League Titles, we rank 7th with only 5 titles compared to the top team that has won 20. They even dare add that if we work harder we might even catch up with Sunderland, yes Sunderland, at numero 6 with 6 titles. Oh and by other teams, I know you know who are these fans I am talking about. That is right….. that has not changed either, they are still noisemakers. Wounded noisemakers. This was sadly not a great season for them, at all.

There you go, I thought I jot you some updates seeing that you were among the top fans of this blog.... nothing to do with marriage, but a special tribute to a kid bro we will never stop loving and missing! The heart ache has been excruciating, and am speaking as a seasoned 'heart-breakee' seeing that I have been down that road several times because of relationships gone sour, before the heavens had mercy and sent me my wonderful Hun. All in all God, the balm of Gilead, has been very good to us, through it all. His grace has been sufficient. Tears are slowly fading. We are beginning to notice the sunshine once more, we are smiling and laughing more even. We are taking one day at a time. 

To all those who have walked and continue to walk with us, thank you! God bless you and may He remember every kind word, thought, prayer, act, coin and repay you 10 fold.

Stars don’t struggle to shine, you are a star Robin -- may you shine forever.

WHEN THINGS GET TOO HOT IN THE BEDROOM

Seriously, everyone in my life who ever got married before I did….. I have serious beef. Along the way I keep discovering stuff --the hard way -- that no one ever mentioned that I will go through once I get into marital bliss; the blisters along the journey of marriage. Ok maybe that is not entirely true, maybe some of them did say something but my starry-eyedness had no room for ‘negativity’ at the time. I was about to marry this awesome guy (still is by the way) and ours was going to be the very first ever ‘and they lived --literally-- HAPPILY ever after’.

But no, it is still their fault. They should have slapped me with some reality check out of my so-very-in-love stupor. Would it have been so out-there for one of them to pull me on the side one day from that all so important job of deciding whether the guests at the wedding would prefer to have pineapples or water melons after lunch…. and just tell me ‘Hey, look here. Please choose wisely, for the choice you are about to make will forever change everything in your life. Forever. The day those wonderful guests will get to enjoy the melon or the pineapple, please know that all your sleeping preferences would henceforth always be up for discussion and compromise.’ I mean everyone close to me would have known that would have been a wake up call, the relationship between me and MY bed was deep. They all knew how I would often, gladly, allow a lot of ‘life’ to pass me by just for that extra wink of zzzzzzzzzz. My sister never understood how anyone would prefer to sleep instead of being out there socializing. But for me, my dear sweet slumber was worth giving up all of those. But now, since the day the bananas were eaten, it has all changed. Now I have even no bed to call MY OWN as we are now in a tri-lationship and when you add God who also came on board the same day of the fruit eating…. well,  you get the drift! The gospel song ‘my life is not my own’ never gets any more real.

Then also I need to sleep ‘smart’. My previous relationship with MY bed had no demands. It was ‘come as you are’ faded, one-side-sloping-tees, too-tired-to-get-out-of-jeans, THE TABOO PAIR OF OLD STOCKINGS HEAD WRAP ….. But not anymore, the pesky fruits changed everything, now I am required to groom for bed. That as I figure out what to wear for the day, I also pick out what I intend to sleep in at night. Thank God at least I do not have to plan for foot wear….. though however, I still have to plan for ‘headwear’ and my good old faithful pair of tad torn stockings is not an option!

Well, so it has been 2 years of pre-bed grooming, I have kind of got the rhythm sort of, though I usually-- once in a while-- regress during those nights that Hun has travelled. However, there is one thing that is still a major pet peeve. This time of the year, in this part of the world, it is extremely HOT. Then now the houses in our hood, and the bedrooms in particular seem hotter than other homes we have visited. As if to mock my limits, I recently underwent a procedure and was given a follow up prescription drug whose side effects include…. wait for it… hot flushes, yes similar to those of women in menopause, as the doctor confirmed! So come evenings, I am usually one pre-bed-groomed HOT mess…. pun intended. But then, we have this cooling fan, currently my most favorite gadget around the house after the freezer. However, my darling Hun cannot sleep with a fan on. My dear friends waiting to be married, the day you walk down that aisle please be very aware that you are, at the same time, walking away from the power to autonomously decide whether to cool yourself or not on a hot night. Ironically, the sound of the fan which I find so soothing is annoying noise that keeps him awake but in addition to that he tends to wake up the next day with some form of congestion. And it matters not, whether it’s the AC or a fan. His body just has issues with cooling systems…. that some of us require desperately. 

While of course this is not a good enough reason to decamp to celibacy for life, it is just good to know in advance so that you are not shocked if (read: when) it ever comes up. Remember to keep this in mind as you choose the fruits for the wedding banquet. 

END OF AN ERA..... HELLO NEW THINGS!

The Joy of the Lord

Last month a preacher in church asked the congregation to acknowledge by show of hand if they had had an extremely great year so far, then those who had had a so-so year and finally a terrible year. Forgetting about appearing all prim and proper my hand shot up when the latter was called out. He prayed that God may change the tide for us, and to that I said the loudest Amen in that hall. Well, most of you know the story. My terrible year had to do with illness. Before this year my worst body discomfort has probably been due to cramps and tonsillitis…. now I can call it discomfort because after what I have been through I know I had never really been sick. It all began on 5^th of January when I was diagnosed with severe malaria and for the next 3 weeks I was not in good shape. After that I had a good run until mid-May when I went for a routine check-up test and thanks to negligence of the hospital personnel, I have had to fight an aggressive bacterial infection for close to five months…. shuttling from one doctor to another, antibiotics upon antibiotics as well as unending tests. Basically, I have been unwell for an entire half year in total.

But today I am writing to say that God is indeed faithful. Yesterday one of my pastors shared a message on Whats-app, that God says ‘show me your faith and I will show you my faithfulness’. I feel that the circumstances I went through, was really a test of faith and if you read my previous post http://blissorblisters.blogspot.com/2014/09/when-heaven-is-silent.html, I failed miserably. I thank God for His grace and mercy and that He does not always accord us what we deserve. My rotten entitlement attitude during that period warranted a serious ‘beating’. But because of this grace, today I write to testify of God’s unconditional love and faithfulness. For starters I am now fully recovered. At this point, I wish to thank all the people who stood with me in prayers. And God has not stopped there. I can say that Hun and I are receiving blessings in double portion. Lately it seems like every day there is one or several ‘surprise love gifts’ from God. Seems the year will end on a very different note, and at the end of this month I will not say that this has been such a terrible year after all.

Our stay in Uganda expires in exactly one week. That is right, Hun and I are relocating back to Nairobi. Initially this also added to our stress levels! There was so much to consider and so much to do before we could relocate. One of it was to look for a house..… while away. While we had a very reliable family member helping us, turns out, good houses in Nairobi are like a mirage!! One minute it is there the next minute it is not. It has been emotionally taxing. Three times we rejoiced that we had got a house and all the three times the owners changed their minds or they decided to charge unreasonable rent. Thankfully, we eventually got one that we like in the exact area we wanted. Since then everything regarding our relocation has been falling in place…. the ducks are pretty much aligning. However, there were other problem. Leaving our wonder-filled friends…. you all know good-byes are never easy. Then there is Hun’s baby, FutureLink Technologies Limited and the church ministries that we serve in. These are especially difficult to depart from because of seeing what God is doing. Also for both the company and ministry work, there were challenges we have gone through as respective teams and leaving almost feels like a betrayal. But then in the midst of all God decided to show up and show off. Future Link Technologies recently got recognized among other Top 100 mid-sized companies in Uganda and my Green House team (Children Ministry) got awarded for being Mavuno Kampala’s Team of the Year….. all within the same week, and less than 2 weeks before we leave. The Ndoa (Marriage Ministry) team where we serve together also got an award at the 2014 fearless awards. These awards are against very many odds and as much as we know the respective teams worked hard, we must acknowledge God’s hand in it. We take it that He is releasing us and assuring us that He has ‘got it’, that it was never us…. it was always Him.

So that is Him…. the Boss. He orders our footsteps. He created us for His purpose and so has a plan for us. My near-2-years stay in Uganda was all in His intricate plan for me. I hope one day I will understand why He allowed the long months of indisposition. But even if it never happens I choose to rest in His word that says in Romans 8:28 that all things work together for good to those who love God.

So long our Ugandan family…. you have been great to us. Thank you for each and every one of you who touched our lives in any way. The last two years have totally changed my life in so many ways. I socialize more, our marriage got the foundation it needed, I can never settle to be a lukewarm Christian ever again, oh and I will take back with me the terrible English. I will tell people to ‘extend’ instead of ‘move’ and to ‘slope down’ instead of ‘go downhill’. I am not done yet: I will even try ‘fluke’ (read: sneak in) some of the slang I have acquired in my day to day conversations. I cannot promise this, but I will try use the word ‘shelling’ instead of ‘make fun of someone’…. though I will be careful at the size of the person I am telling just in case they misunderstand me since shelling means something totally different in my home country, and they might end up ‘assuring’ me (read: telling me off). I will also welcome back people at every opportunity, in fact, like I once witnessed from one respectful Ugandan lady as we were disembarking at Entebbe, I will welcome back Hun as soon as we land in Nairobi, even though we will have traveled together. Good manners just!!! Indeed Uganda will always have a special place in our hearts….. we have too many fond memories to take home with us and  by the way, I am not about to change my ‘Oh Uganda may God uphold thee’ ring tone any time soon. That is my prayer for Uganda.

To my Kenyan family, we are glad to be coming back home. You graciously ‘married us off’ and gave us your blessings as we, shortly after, set off to Uganda. We have had so many nostalgic moments of ‘home’ while we were here in the Land of Museveni. We are looking forward to reconnecting with long time friends and our wonderful family. Hun and I have changed as much as we have remained the same and I am sure so has each and every one of you. We hope you will receive and accept us with what you may probably consider as oddities here and there…. well most of them as listed above. Luckily “Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.” ~ Robert Frost quoted ~

WHEN HEAVEN IS SILENT

Sunday 7^th September 2014. Hun and I wake up and get ready for church. Sundays are always exciting days for me. The dressing up, spending time with children at Sunday School, Worship, Sermon, the Sunday lunches with friends after wards….. exciting just. This Sunday even had a cherry topping. Normally I teach Sunday School, which we call Green House, during the first service and then attend the second service. Hun prefers to attend first service. This month of September however I am on a break from Green House duties so we get to attend service together.

So we are in church, 3^rd row center, no less. Praise and Worship is great…… at this point we have no idea we are like a lamb being led to the slaughter house. The songs are all about surrender. Our Kampala Campus Pastor gets onto the pulpit. Well, this anointed Man of God can very well hold a successful career in comedy. This new month of September we are a beginning a new series called ‘Unanswered’. I didn’t think much about it, in my mind I was like oh yeah we have all had those times. As he begins what initially seemed a very hilarious sermon, Hun and I are among those laughing out the loudest – those who know me will attest to the fact that I can be that obnoxious loud ‘laugher’ even in public places! One particular funny moment was when he very animatedly imitates those believers who request for a chance to stand in front of the congregation and testify, praising God for His faithfulness - citing how even during the week they prayed for a parking spot and miraculously got one. And why shouldn’t they praise Him? The problem comes in during those times you yourself are struggling with ‘life and death’ matters and the Lord seems to have taken leave! I stop and think about that ‘joke’ halfway through the laughter…. heyyyy wait a minute….. that has been us in the last several months, God had surely gone AWOL on us. And then the Pastor asked the congregation, “what do you do in those times?” Well, I knew what I have been doing, I have doubted God’s love for me, for us as a family. I have taken Him on guilt trips asking Him questions like can He not see how we have given of ourselves to Him and to His service? I have groveled and negotiated that if He comes through….. I will do this and that. At this point of the sermon, I could not hold back my tears any longer.

See, it all began on 20^th May 2014. A (relatively) healthy me walked into one of the best hospitals in Uganda for routine check-up. They asked me to come back the following day for a certain test. I did. And that is where my troubles began. I woke up the following day very ill. As it turns out, the test was done in a non-sterile condition and certain bacteria were introduced in my body. What is more painful was the casual manner that the doctor was treating the whole issue and so after no proper treatment after a month, the bacteria went berserk and the infection spread to adjacent organs. I have been in pain, I have had violent chills & fever, many nights I couldn’t sleep, appetite became a foreign concept. As we speak I am 10Kgs smaller since then. The treatment has also not been easy, the numerous hospital visits, rounds of IVs followed by strong, nauseating antibiotics tablets, and having to be on painkillers all the time. I could see Hun’s heart sink after every failed round of treatment. I stopped doing things that I liked. I couldn’t write. I was not there for Green House as I should have been. But the worst of all is, I wasn’t there for Hun. Many days he had to eat out – or join me in no-appetite-ville. When he came home from work, he’d have to sit in the living room by himself or just come and hang out in the bedroom with me even though I was never much is conversation mode. Well, since the last treatment I am now better. At least I can function even though the pain has not completely gone away. Still not good enough – I just want my normal life.

So that is why I had serious beef with God. After four rounds of antibiotic treatments and am still not as good as new, I was beginning to see how I was not on God’s priority list. I have prayed and have several people lifting me up in prayer for the same. I became convinced that maybe I had little faith – not even like the mustard seed. Other people had been prayed for and had got well. WHY me Lord? What was I doing wrong? What sins was I paying for? I cried some more. Thinking of all that I had been through, I felt very justified to feel sorry for myself and to be angry with God. How could I not? He let this happen to me, gave me over to negligent nurses and doctors. After all, the sermon went ahead to note that even John the Baptist who prepared the way for Christ had similar sentiments when he was thrown into prison on account of standing up for what was right. John sent a word to Jesus (Matt 11:3) to ask if He really was the ‘Coming One’ or they should look for another. He wondered why Jesus had let him get into trouble and why He would not get John out of prison, yet He had the power to.

Then what the Pastor said after is what broke me completely. It is not what Hun and I had expected to hear during this pity party! But it was the truth. He made us realize that we had shrunk God to our situation. Our confidence in God had become impacted by our circumstances. That God had not stopped being God because I was going through a period of infirmity. He asked us to look back and see where God has brought us from – my Jehovah Ebenezer, how could I have forgotten so quickly how good you have been to me? We had focused so much on the sickness we had failed to notice and acknowledge God’s blessings all around us. God is doing great things in our family but we had ignored it all. It was humbling.

I felt like the biggest brat in the universe, for throwing tantrums and trying to manipulate God. I cried and cried and then cried some more. I had to repent for trying to fit God into my ways and plans. Am learning to wholly trust Him ‘Be still and know He is Lord’. I may not understand it now, but I know what may seem as this unpleasant circumstances I am facing are eventually for His glory. Now I know that faith is more than the power to change things for the better, it is also the courage to face things as they are. And you know what, my testimony right now might not be that I am 100% healed physically but for sure I felt a huge burden lifted that Sunday - my attitude changed. Turns out it is way easier to submit to God in those difficult circumstances than pout at Him. He is God, completely not moved by the pout…. at least not until His will is accomplished!!

PS: The Sermon series ‘UNANSWERED’ continues at all Mavuno Churches/ Campuses. You may also download the weekly sermon notes at http://www.mavunokampala.org/#/messages/sermon-notes

WHAT YOUR PRE-MARITAL COUNSELOR MIGHT NOT HAVE MENTIONED

Back in the day when I was in high school, typical of teenagers, we thrived in challenging authority. We didn't like prefects much. They seemed to be the party poopers who were supposed to have been on the students’ side but were instead 'goody-too-shoes'. Even your closest buddy, roommate etc. seemed to take the job a bit too seriously once elected as prefect! Then one Friday morning all the students are sitting in the assembly hall and the list of new prefects is called out, lo and behold your name is among them. Well, you are happy to be recognized for your leadership qualities and be placed in that position but those nice thoughts are interrupted by some sadness because deep down you realize it is not going to be easy with your peers. So how do you enforce rules that you yourself have been previously culpable of breaking? The first school trimester would be dreadful but somehow eventually, water finds it's balance. Most friends would come around but then for few, the relationship would never be the same. So as a prefect you had the option of turning a blind eye to the ‘vices’ of your friends, or stand firm and explain to them that you could no longer be part of such due to your new responsibilities and the fact that the senior/ outgoing prefects would be watching us the junior prefects like hawks. Many times I wished my friends would understand the fact that, am really also trying to understand the new role, manage expectations and still maintain the friendship with them. I wished they wouldn't undermine my authority to see 'what she can do' by out rightly breaking rules in my presence. It often felt like they wanted me to prove my friendship while they, not so much holding their end of the bargain, else they'd not put me in that position. But then, that was also me before I made prefect.

And such is life, in high school it is being named prefect, at work it is getting a promotion and in life it is getting a baby, getting married etc. Life's circumstances change. Recently I watched an episode of the TV Series, Trophy Wife which is about a happy go lucky girl who gets married to a 2 times divorcee who lives with his three children from the previous marriages. The girl went from having her greatest concerns being which club to hit next, to teenage tantrums not to add organizing a home of 5. In this particular episode they had a fall out with her best friend who couldn't understand why her friend was all of a sudden not as much fun anymore since she got married. The best friend initially refused to acknowledge her friend's changed priorities. Well eventually they make up and there is a happy ending.

Unfortunately it is not always the case in real life. I've heard of friendships that permanently got severed after one person got married. A good marriage counselor will warn you about it during the pre-marital counselling. They will tell you that you are about to embark on a journey that not all your friends will go with you. For sure it is one of the most difficult thing you might ever have to do -- letting friends go. But you know what, do not feel guilty about it and even most important, don't hold it against them. By all means this doesn't mean one goes dismissing all their old friends. Old is gold and this seems especially true when it comes to friendships. I believe even the person whose circumstances change has an obligation to maintain some level of communication and create time whenever possible - you know, try maintaining a healthy balance. In case of marriage however, whenever there is conflict between the 2 worlds, your priority should always be your spouse, no matter how unreasonable you may feel he or she is being.

I love the words of TD Jakes regarding this issue. Here is some tough advice to anyone who ever lost a friend or is struggling with a relationship because their circumstances changed and inadvertently, so did your priorities.

Let Them Go by T.D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you, let them walk. I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The Bible said that, “They came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us.” [1 John 2:19] People leave you because they are not joined to you. And, if they are not joined to you, you can’t make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn’t mean that they are a bad person, it just means that their part in the story is over. And you’ve got to know when people’s part in your story is over, so that you don’t keep trying to raise the dead. You’ve got to know when it is dead. You’ve got to know when it is over. Let me tell you something. I’ve got the gift of goodbye. It is the tenth spiritual gift. I believe in “goodbye”. It is not that I’m insensitive or uncaring, it is that I trust. I know whatever and whomever God means for me to have and be a part of my life He will give. And, if a relationship takes too much sweat I don’t need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!! 

WHAT SHE DOESN’T KNOW WON’T HURT HER

You have got to admit it, travelling is exciting! The adrenalin rush, new people, different culture, the uncertainty, the anxiety, the feeling of ‘no one knows me around here’……. The list is endless. My 1^st visit to Kampala, was probably the most random thing I ever did….. but now I know it was truly by God’s design. It was in August 2010, a childhood pal and I had planned to travel to Dar-es - Salaam only for our plans to backfire 3 days prior to the date of travel and oh boy was I crushed seeing that I had already packed my bag! We just had to get Plan B since we were already on a traveling high. My pal had some longtime friends who’d been asking to host her and so she took up their offer, and being Ugandans, for them 3 days was enough notice to prepare to receive and host us. Now, I naturally love taking photos, but while away from home…. I usually go to great extents to capture them memorable moments. Anywho, we had an awesome time with our tourist packed schedule….. and so ofcourse through the entire experience I clicked and posed, clicked and posed. At some point one of our hosts - my new found friends - actually nick named me the ‘photowey’ one, I just wouldn’t let anything pass by the lense! So the day before we headed back to Nairobi I decided to have one last memorable photo moment, so upon a dare by my crazy friends, I… a grown woman…. climbed on top of the elephant sculpture at Nakumatt Oasis Mall and took a picture there!! Now, for the sake of those not so familiar with Kampala, Oasis Mall is one of the most popular malls, you know that place where you are likely to meet anyone and everyone at any time? Right!! Now I look back and wonder what I was thinking…… Lucky for me I had not met Hun yet, however as fate would have it, exactly 2 ½ years from the time I took the picture, I got married and moved to Kampala. So now I live here and Oasis Mall is where the church we attend is located, so I am reminded of my ‘indiscretion’ quite often.

So that is my streak of craziness when am out of town. Now, we all have that one thing that is a must do when away from home. Some of us are foodies – love sampling foreign/new cuisines, for others is learning the history of the place, others yet it is making friends and the list goes on. AND THEN we all know there are those who have to absolutely knock boots with a stranger (or otherwise) for their away-from-home experience to be fulfilled. What makes it very sad is that a good number of these people are married. I keep hearing of these horror stories from time to time. I have heard of people who go for those cheap thrills yet they would ‘die’ if their spouses found out and left them. Like seriously? Why would you hurt someone you care about? I know, I know….. they say what she doesn’t know won’t her.  But then when - not if - the truth comes out, we grovel, promise the sun and the moon just to show how sorry we are. And add…. ‘I never meant to hurt you’. You might as well be saying that you actually were expecting a bouquet of flowers from her congratulating you for the conquests. Am often baffled by this argument, does it mean….. it only becomes wrong when she finds out? Are we normally sorry because we were indiscrete or are we sorry that our spouse found out? The truth is you hurt them the minute you exchanged bodily fluids with another woman, not the minute she finds out.

Now before am virtually mob-justiced by men reading this article, and to be fair, unless these guys are not straight, they are often ‘getting lost in the moment’ with women so that makes us enablers and the Bible has no kind words for such, referring to these women by such names as adulterers/ immoral etc. I once overheard a lady say that she once traveled for a conference and ended up ‘in bed’ with a Japanese guy who they could not even communicate verbally due to language barrier! That statement is so wrong on so many levels I will not even get into that. So I write, well knowing that it is a two way street.

Unfortunately, these things do come out eventually. Sooner or later, dead or alive someone will suffer the consequences. The book of Proverbs Chapter 7 is very candid about adultery and especially being lured by the ‘immoral woman’. It says following her to her bed is like following a path to death. There is death – of trust, relationship, physical death etc. Oh and woe unto you if you have one of them prayerful spouses – I advise you to zip it in and take to piggy back rides on sculptured animals in embarrassing places when abroad, waaaaaay less heart ache for everyone and way easier to explain yourself – I think ;-)