TRUTH EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW BEFORE GETTING HITCHED

A few weeks into our marriage enrichment program (NDOA), we were given a form with about 10 ‘needs’ that we expected to be met by our spouses. It is almost similar to the love languages but this was more detailed and had many ‘languages’ than the 5 as we know them i.e. Acts of service, Quality time, Physical touch, Words of affirmation and Gifts. There were 2 columns next to each need. In the 1^st column we were to rate in order of importance to us, from the most important need to the not-so-important. In the 2^nd column we were to rate what we thought was most important for our spouses. Then thereafter we were to compare what we considered important to us versus what our mates thought was important to us. Of course my number one for Hun, or for all other man, was a no brainer and as far as I was concerned; it had to be sexual intimacy. So when he revealed his list and it was not his number one, I thought he was just being pious (since the enrichment group is church affiliated and we were required to discuss our lists). I took it with a pinch of salt, after all the number one need for all men was sex, or so I thought. So when we met in the larger group and collectively the men confirmed that sex was not on top of their list, I was now confused! You mean sex does not solve all of a man’s problems??

I knew I was not alone when some weeks later a question was popped to a group of ladies in the same enrichment group asking what was the one thing we wish we knew before we got married and it was almost unanimous that someone should have told us that….. husbands shall not live by sex alone! You cannot blame us since most of us, especially if you have attended a number of bridal showers, sex is usually the main topic if not the only topic. Well, I thank God because mine was different in that in addition to the S subject, the speaker talked about other issues basing everything on the Bible. However, clearly my mind had already been corrupted to that kind of thinking. During the ladies forum I mentioned earlier, it was hilarious to hear some of the advice that ladies have been given concerning the subject. Most memorable was how as a lady you should always have a bucket of water and towels beforehand – and I thought, wouldn’t that very well-meaning act completely kill spontaneity??

Over the months I have learnt that while IT is an important part of marriage, most men, if not all consider RESPECT and ADMIRATION more important. For me, admiration has really not been a problem. Hun’s passion in the way he does things and his super-human ability to remain calm and optimistic even when stuff is going horribly wrong, makes it easy. Plus, I mean, just the fact that he was able to convince me to move - those who know me well will tell you am the most rigid person when it comes to change - leave my family, my friends, my Sunday School babies, my comfortable decently paying flexi-time (ok not officially) job, my rented ka-house and everything else that was familiar to me, totally demands admiration from me.

It is ‘respect’ that I have struggled with for a while but I thank God for slowly taming that too. Generally I respect him, the area that I used to fail over and over is arguing in public. Now, I know you all strong and opinionated women feel me on this one. There are times I’d get caught up trying to prove my point I fail to notice the curious on lookers around us, waiting…. almost ‘casting lots’ amongst themselves who between Hun and I will back down first. By this time, Hun would usually be beyond embarrassed.  Well we have since developed a code which we use to end the conversation when either of us flies off the handle in public and so far so good. In relation to public embarrassments, the other issue I have had to deal with, was how I was fond of ‘correcting’ him in public or his comments on Facebook. As I have mentioned before, I am a Choleric/ Mel. We Cholerics tend to ‘think’ (read: know) we are always right. By God’s grace I have learnt to hold my horses and bite my tongue no matter how much it bleeds.

Well ofcourse this doesn’t by any means translate to being gagged. We must enjoy freedom of speech oh especially in marriage otherwise you will surely surely lose your mind. I believe I have a voice and a brain for a reason and that my over 30 years of life’s experiences count for something as far as giving opinions is concerned. My prayer has been for wisdom and a lot of patience….. to be tactful, to be patient for the right space to UNLEASH…. respectfully of course!!

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH

Happy New Year? Mine wasn’t. For the first time in my life, much to the surprise of my Ugandan family, I came down with Malaria. The surprise look on their faces due to the fact that it was my first time made me feel like I had indeed delayed this rite of passage, a late bloomer!! What surprised them more is that I was treated with IVs and had to be on drip at some point and the fact that I was sick for almost 21 days. Apparently Malaria in Uganda is more like how in Kenya we frequently suffer from the common cold/ flu and how casually we treat it. Most ‘feel it coming’, go straight to a Medical Lab and request to confirm whether they have malaria and then recommend drugs…… no need to see a doc. In other cases, once you suspect you have the symptoms, you go straight to the Pharmacy for drugs. However that wasn’t me, coz I had it bad!

I thank God now am all good, better than before actually……. several Kilos lighter and didn’t have to do a *slimpossible after all. Mmmhh…. now how to maintain the current weight is the challenge seeing I am now back to loving my food, anyway I digress.

Being unwell was an extremely humbling experience in a good way and sometimes not so good. As I have said in a previous blog, I love Ugandans and all Ugandanized Kenyans. The love they showed me and by extension us as a family was overwhelming. I think staying in Uganda has forever changed me. We got very many visitors. Everyone who heard I was unwell wanted to visit: Church leadership, fellow congregants, many friends, Hun’s colleagues etc, oh and word did spread quickly. And they were practical too! Some brought cooked spinach for my iron replenishment, others made me vegetable soup in my kitchen, others came and made me litres of fresh juice, to name but a few. There were many more that checked up on me daily through calls, texts, emails etc. Oh and the prayers. This is not to mean my Kenyan peeps abandoned me, however it was comforting for them to know that I had people around me. As usual, I had my mum ‘threatening’ to come over and be with me and my siblings giving me daily menus….. some of which we all agreed were quite questionable.

Then there was the main man. If I was ever so grateful to have married Hun, it was during this time. Remember when I said sickness can be humbling in a bad way. Sometimes it frustrated me that I couldn’t do simple tasks for myself and so it made me snappy, plus I think the pain didn’t help. He had to take it all in. He would cook for me and most of the time I would not take more than 2 spoonfuls before I hurl it all out. Please note my husband would rather watch paint dry than cook (It’s a family thing). Sometimes I would request him to go out and get me a certain craving and by the time he’d get back, my cravings have changed. He also had to be the ‘host’ of all our visitors. Let us just say there was a lot of re-orienting himself with the kitchen. Perhaps this would have been easier if he didn’t have to be working, considering it is January and having been away from office during the Holidays meant a backlog. Yet he never complained. It made me feel abit guilty since there was a time he had hurt his hand, and even though I was there for him I would not shut up of how ‘tiring’ it was. I guess we learn every day.

Moral of the story: Never under estimate the power of a mosquito net and repellant jelly – not that am using either as we speak but planning on it…. ohhh how I do not like sleeping under a net. Secondly, if you can please visit people when they are sick - it really lightens up the spirit. Finally, I know our case is relatively minor but it made me think of other major sicknesses that some couples have had to get through or even worse, live with. All in all, I realized that the promise ‘in sickness and in health’ takes a lot more selflessness than we ever think about as we recite our vows on the wedding day…. a lot of grace under fire!

*Slimpossible is a Kenyan weight loss program that airs in East Africa.